I am not sure what lead me here. To the place that forced me to wave the white flag of surrender, to lay in the messy madness of what was my reality and what was a dream that lingered in my subconscious mind. All I know is that I am not ready to give you an explanation of why I really had to step back only the fact is that i was guided down a dark path of relearning how to turn on my own inner light, my own personal power and truly love and trust my path.
Want to know some truth… That vulnerability is fucking crippling, being so open for so many years feels like i am an exposed wound that got a little infected with some nasty judgment, it could be judgment from others but mainly from myself . At times i wish i was invisible , a fly on the wall and then other times I dream of being exposed on a stage speaking the words i long to say to thousands who are ready to hear them.See the thing is I am my biggest contradiction and I am ok with that, what I am asking if you could be too?
In this moment i am learning and re learning this…
- I am not a victim , I am the Light House
- Be gentle with yourself in every moment , with every breathe and every internal thought
- Speak up and be heard, listen to your intuition, trust your path and use your words wisely
- Its OK to ask for help, guidance, assistance and be held
- Treat yourself like you would a small child, with love, playfulness and some creativity
- Every day you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself by simply choosing loving thoughts
- Stop living in the past, stop owning your story and forget about judgment that you carry around with them
- That energy clearing is just as important as your daily showers
- That the breathe never lies, breathing into a state of calm and relax
- Friends can come and go , but true friends hold space for you to heal
- That love is the highest vibration and through love all can heal, if you choose to FEEL it in its fullest form
- You are not your ego.. you are not your looks, your clothes, your job, your material objects. behind is all you are a pure soul
- Hang out and surround yourself with people who project beautiful energy , and steer clear of energy vampires (people who drain you)
- No one can fix you… yes this is a massive wakeup call to those who are waiting to be fixed. Look within.
So as I take time to relearn these lessons, to step back from being in front of a yoga class guiding you through a healing journey of movement and inner enlightenment , its time for me to practice this on myself. It is vital for me to do so as I can not burn the candle from both ends again. My energy is precious and I am learning to use it wisely, so thank you for understanding. If i see you on the street maybe just blow me a kiss, or share a friendly wave. If i don’t respond its because i am short sighted meaning i cant see well far away and only wear glasses driving and at the movies as i get head aches.
So for the next few weeks I practice the art of surrender. For me its the hardest thing to do as I truly love what i do for a living, i love it so much that it exhausts me. I am finding balance and i thank you for giving me the time as i do so.
Prayer from the book Daily Love – Mastin Kipp
“my dear source of creation,
pick me up when i can walk no further.
help shine a light in this dark place,
so i can see just one more step in front of me
oh heavenly source please show me the way
when i am lost
for your presence , it comforts me
it restores me to fullness.
Take me shake me oh Muse
to the bone
make me so scared of you
yet give me the strength to stand tall
and see that my fear was wrong all along
shake me to my core
so that i know what my heart really feels light
strip away everything that is not needed
so that i can see you clearly
in the space that is in between
thank you muse for these lessons
these moments of joy and sadness,
I know they are your perfect